Before you read the rest of the post, let me just say this, America..congratulations you have yet again made another generic popstar! I knew Adam had it too good, it kinda jinxed him in the end didn't it. Anyways for all Glamberts out there, Adam do rock and by far is the best ever AI contestant ever .. like ever.. he definitley made the show this season! .. Adam, go on and make sweet music buddy instead of the run of mill stuffs all Idol winners (except for Carrie & Kelly of course!) are destined to be singing from here on out.
Written by Rob Sheffield for Rolling Stone Magazine
It’s the final countdown! Hope. Dreams. Sweat. Tears. And that’s just the guy whose job is guiding Paula up the stairs. Last night was just the first round — tonight we find out who took the crown. Full disclosure: I voted at least two dozen times for Adam. (I hit a pocket between 11:45 and 12:30 East Coast Time when I was getting through one out of three times.) So did 100 million other voters, all of whom would have gladly cast a ballot to keep from hearing that dogvomit Kara ballad “No Boundaries” again tonight. Too bad. We’re hearing it again. And watching a new Idol take the crown.
For reference: the Kara who wrote the godawful coronation ballad about the hurricane is the same Kara who wrote “La La,” the 2004 Ashlee Simpson hit that’s still a single-of-the-decade contender around this apartment. But the thought of hearing it again is pretty traumatic at the moment. No matter. Last night Adam took round one handily with his cowl-and-fog reinvention of “Mad World,” then nailed it with “A Change Is Gonna Come.” Kris didn’t come close to matching him in terms of vocals, but he seems like a nice guy, right? Nice white suits! Adam looks like such a Clockwork Orange droog!
8:09 pm: They’re all here! Lil Rounds! Anoop! Allison! Alexis! The whole top 13! In those white suits! I missed you, blind guy! I love how you can still hear Adam’s screech above the whole choir. I always love when Allison and Adam are snuggling — it reminds me when she was hugging Kris and Danny goodbye, then turned to Adam as if to say, “I’ll miss you most of all, scarecrow!” “So What” was an awesome beginning, the kind of uptempo number that was sorely missing during last night’s ballad-heavy torpor. I am predicting a night of festivities that will make the David Hassehoff inside all of us shed some Glambert-shaped tears.
8:17 pm: Making David Cook sing a song called “Permanent” is kind of a mean joke. Egads, I forgot how boring you were last year, Cookster — sorry. He’s the Kris kind of Idol, the kind of singer who may not be the most talented, but tries hard and tugs heartstrings and squeaks by week after week as the flashier ones fizzle. I watched last night’s performances over and over again, and I was surprised that Kris handled himself so well on the first couple of songs, before he gokeyed out at the end. Although I’m predicting (and rooting for) a Glambslide, it’ll be far from an atrocity if Kris wins.
That’s why this season was such an up — it was a likeable crew, and even the ones who couldn’t sing weren’t so unbearable to spend time with, right? I wasn’t into the Gokedragon’s voice in the least, but I liked him fine. Same with that Alexis, who sang “Jolene” despite not being able to hit a single one of the high notes in the chorus, and yes, even you, Blind Guy Who Ryan Seacrest Attempted to High-Five. I think it’s the Glambert Effect: his star power just increases the energy level for everyone around him — even Simon looks glad to be there this season. I think Paula said it best: “Adam, you dare to dance in the path of greatness!” But then, Paula always says it best, doesn’t she?
8:27 pm: LATIFAAAAH! And Lil Rounds, who always seems so game even though she can’t carry a tune at all — she got kicked off the show for fubaring up the melody to “I’m Every Woman,” which barely even HAS a melody. No matter. All is forgiven tonight. LIIIIL!
8:32 pm: Oooo, Anoop is getting IRIE! And Alexis too! And Jason Mraz! And my MUTE button!
8:40 pm: Kris Allen and Keith Urban. Nice. I think I like Kris because I like how he spells his name just like Cheryl Ladd’s character on Charlie’s Angels. He kind of looks like Cheryl Ladd, too. Why didn’t they give Glambert the country song that goes “I wanna kiss a girl”?
8:45 pm: Aaaaw — all the girls are singing Fergie’s “Glamorous” together, just like the girls’ choir did on “Gossip Girl.” Flossy flossy!
8:49 pm: Randy’s the only judge who gives Fergie a standing ovation. Or maybe he’s just wondering why she’s wearing the floormat out of his car. Fergie just got a whole line censored, maybe for profanity or maybe because this song is almost as bad as “No Boundaries.”
8:58 pm: Rock of Love reject Bikini Girl does a duet with Bikini-Clad Judge Kara, who apparently wasn’t 100% sure she already sealed her doom on this show with “No Boundaries” last night. There aren’t even enough G’s for this UGGGH.
9:04 pm: Cyndi Lauper? Another Gossip Girl moment! “Time After Time” is like my sixth favorite Cyndi song, but seeing her scat along with Allison Iraheta is what insanely padded finale episodes are for. Glambert needs to bust out some “She Bop” right about now.
9:05 pm: We’re an hour into the show and not a single Glambert shriek? This is NOT MY NOW. I am not INSIDE MY HEAVEN. Idol is not MAKING ME PROUD. (Sorry, just bracing myself for that crap coronation ballad.) Come on, Idol, Glambert is your sole meal ticket this season. Turn that bitch out and make him SING.
9:08 pm: Lionel Richie! You are looking EASY, my man, like a SUNDAY MORNING. (Glambert, get out there and do some “Brick House.” What, are you on vacation night? How long are you taking in that makeup chair?)
9:09 pm: Lionel is KILLING IT. Taste this moment, Gokey. This is so your now! It’ll never be this good again.
9:16 pm: Yeah, Glambert’s “Ring of Fire.” Remember that one? Randy Travis: “I’m speechless.”
9:18 pm: WOW! Glambert meets Kiss! You wanted the best and you got it! “BETH!” Wow. LOVE those…uh…shoulder pads? Snake cages? What the hell is that you’re wearing? Fire your LOVE GUN, Glambert. He is KILLING “Detroit Rock City.”
9:21 pm: Kiss Meet The Phantom of the Park had nothing on Kiss Meet The Phantom of The Glamb-Screech!
9:24 pm: That was even greater than Cyndi with Allison. To recover, I’m going to need some cold gin, tequila, vodka and orange juice.
9:26 pm: Well, THAT was a star. Maybe if Adam doesn’t join Queen as their new lead singer, he could tour with Kiss. He could be Ace, right?
9:28 pm: This is so my now it’s not even funny. Adam rocking (and rolling over) with Kiss was just about the best thing on Idol ALL SEASON LONG. Am I right or am I wrong?
9:30 pm: I was so excited about Santana doing “Black Magic Woman” until Timberfake started to sing. That song belongs to Allison, who is trying to make a devil out of all of us. Jorge, I missed you! Oye como va, Seacrest! This is kind of great, but maybe I’m just still in shock from “Rock & Roll All Nite.” Is that Heather Locklear in the crowd? Smooooth!
9:31 pm: Steve Martin? WTF? Are they going to do “The Grandmother Song?” “King Tut”? Some of those Three Amigos ballads?
9:33 pm: I have the strange feeling this Steve Martin banjo bit is not a joke. I’m not sure, though. Comedy is not pretty! That was perhaps the strangest thing he’s been involved with since “The Man With Two Brains” — and why didn’t he get down with Queen Latifah to re-enact scenes from Bringing Down The House?
9:37 pm: Commercial break = watching Adam sing “Rock & Roll All Nite” again! You show us everything you got, baby baby that’s quite a lot, you drive us wild, we’ll drive you crazy.
9:40 pm: “Do You Think I’m Sexy”? Is Rod Stewart coming out?
9:41 pm: RAAAAAAWWWWWWD!
9:43 pm: Okaaaay, Rod isn’t in 100% top voice right now, but check out Janice Dickinson playing air mandolin!
9:44 pm: Oh Rod, you made a first class fool out of me, but I’m as blind as a fool can be. I wonder why they didn’t get Steve Martin to bust out the banjo on this one.
9:52 pm: Another commercial break: rewatching Cyndi and Allison. Oh, these girls just wanna have fun.
9:54 pm: “We Are The Champions!” This is fucking brilliant.
9:55 pm: Adam and Kris singing this song to each other is pretty fucking sweet. They sure made it happen with the classic rock guest stars tonight.
10:00 pm: Down to the wire. Final results!
10:03 pm: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. [Editor’s note: Kris Allen won]
10:04 pm: Shock.
10:05 pm: Trauma.
10:06 pm: The 5 stages of Kris
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
I’m somewhere between 1 and 2. No, still stuck at 1. But how relieved is Adam not having to sing “No Boundaries”?
10:10 pm: Kris is shocked. Adam is taking it better than Kris. I thought I was prepared for this, yet the scent of “preposterous bullshit” hovers in the air. Kris was incredibly gracious with his apparently sincere “Adam deserves it,” Allison was adorable snuggling with Adam, and me, I feel like the senator in The Godfather who says, “I’m gonna find out what the hell happened here today.” I AM GIVING A GOKEY “DREAM ON” SCREAM OF DISMAY.
What a shocker. I would have bet one of my kidneys that the winner was going to be my black-leather-clad demon-prince hero! Well, now is the time to congratulate the winner, not to bang our heads against the wall and wail “Mad World,” so let all of us Glambskanks just take a moment from our grief to wish Kris a long, prosperous, and happy career. Congratulations, guy. But in all honesty, my head and the wall are demanding a little together time right now. So thank you for the music, Glambert. We will meet again.
[Editors note: distraught Glamberts can console themselves by gazing at photos of Adam Lambert’s glorious Idol moments.]
Rob Sheffield
For reference: the Kara who wrote the godawful coronation ballad about the hurricane is the same Kara who wrote “La La,” the 2004 Ashlee Simpson hit that’s still a single-of-the-decade contender around this apartment. But the thought of hearing it again is pretty traumatic at the moment. No matter. Last night Adam took round one handily with his cowl-and-fog reinvention of “Mad World,” then nailed it with “A Change Is Gonna Come.” Kris didn’t come close to matching him in terms of vocals, but he seems like a nice guy, right? Nice white suits! Adam looks like such a Clockwork Orange droog!
8:09 pm: They’re all here! Lil Rounds! Anoop! Allison! Alexis! The whole top 13! In those white suits! I missed you, blind guy! I love how you can still hear Adam’s screech above the whole choir. I always love when Allison and Adam are snuggling — it reminds me when she was hugging Kris and Danny goodbye, then turned to Adam as if to say, “I’ll miss you most of all, scarecrow!” “So What” was an awesome beginning, the kind of uptempo number that was sorely missing during last night’s ballad-heavy torpor. I am predicting a night of festivities that will make the David Hassehoff inside all of us shed some Glambert-shaped tears.
8:17 pm: Making David Cook sing a song called “Permanent” is kind of a mean joke. Egads, I forgot how boring you were last year, Cookster — sorry. He’s the Kris kind of Idol, the kind of singer who may not be the most talented, but tries hard and tugs heartstrings and squeaks by week after week as the flashier ones fizzle. I watched last night’s performances over and over again, and I was surprised that Kris handled himself so well on the first couple of songs, before he gokeyed out at the end. Although I’m predicting (and rooting for) a Glambslide, it’ll be far from an atrocity if Kris wins.
That’s why this season was such an up — it was a likeable crew, and even the ones who couldn’t sing weren’t so unbearable to spend time with, right? I wasn’t into the Gokedragon’s voice in the least, but I liked him fine. Same with that Alexis, who sang “Jolene” despite not being able to hit a single one of the high notes in the chorus, and yes, even you, Blind Guy Who Ryan Seacrest Attempted to High-Five. I think it’s the Glambert Effect: his star power just increases the energy level for everyone around him — even Simon looks glad to be there this season. I think Paula said it best: “Adam, you dare to dance in the path of greatness!” But then, Paula always says it best, doesn’t she?
8:27 pm: LATIFAAAAH! And Lil Rounds, who always seems so game even though she can’t carry a tune at all — she got kicked off the show for fubaring up the melody to “I’m Every Woman,” which barely even HAS a melody. No matter. All is forgiven tonight. LIIIIL!
8:32 pm: Oooo, Anoop is getting IRIE! And Alexis too! And Jason Mraz! And my MUTE button!
8:40 pm: Kris Allen and Keith Urban. Nice. I think I like Kris because I like how he spells his name just like Cheryl Ladd’s character on Charlie’s Angels. He kind of looks like Cheryl Ladd, too. Why didn’t they give Glambert the country song that goes “I wanna kiss a girl”?
8:45 pm: Aaaaw — all the girls are singing Fergie’s “Glamorous” together, just like the girls’ choir did on “Gossip Girl.” Flossy flossy!
8:49 pm: Randy’s the only judge who gives Fergie a standing ovation. Or maybe he’s just wondering why she’s wearing the floormat out of his car. Fergie just got a whole line censored, maybe for profanity or maybe because this song is almost as bad as “No Boundaries.”
8:58 pm: Rock of Love reject Bikini Girl does a duet with Bikini-Clad Judge Kara, who apparently wasn’t 100% sure she already sealed her doom on this show with “No Boundaries” last night. There aren’t even enough G’s for this UGGGH.
9:04 pm: Cyndi Lauper? Another Gossip Girl moment! “Time After Time” is like my sixth favorite Cyndi song, but seeing her scat along with Allison Iraheta is what insanely padded finale episodes are for. Glambert needs to bust out some “She Bop” right about now.
9:05 pm: We’re an hour into the show and not a single Glambert shriek? This is NOT MY NOW. I am not INSIDE MY HEAVEN. Idol is not MAKING ME PROUD. (Sorry, just bracing myself for that crap coronation ballad.) Come on, Idol, Glambert is your sole meal ticket this season. Turn that bitch out and make him SING.
9:08 pm: Lionel Richie! You are looking EASY, my man, like a SUNDAY MORNING. (Glambert, get out there and do some “Brick House.” What, are you on vacation night? How long are you taking in that makeup chair?)
9:09 pm: Lionel is KILLING IT. Taste this moment, Gokey. This is so your now! It’ll never be this good again.
9:16 pm: Yeah, Glambert’s “Ring of Fire.” Remember that one? Randy Travis: “I’m speechless.”
9:18 pm: WOW! Glambert meets Kiss! You wanted the best and you got it! “BETH!” Wow. LOVE those…uh…shoulder pads? Snake cages? What the hell is that you’re wearing? Fire your LOVE GUN, Glambert. He is KILLING “Detroit Rock City.”
9:21 pm: Kiss Meet The Phantom of the Park had nothing on Kiss Meet The Phantom of The Glamb-Screech!
9:24 pm: That was even greater than Cyndi with Allison. To recover, I’m going to need some cold gin, tequila, vodka and orange juice.
9:26 pm: Well, THAT was a star. Maybe if Adam doesn’t join Queen as their new lead singer, he could tour with Kiss. He could be Ace, right?
9:28 pm: This is so my now it’s not even funny. Adam rocking (and rolling over) with Kiss was just about the best thing on Idol ALL SEASON LONG. Am I right or am I wrong?
9:30 pm: I was so excited about Santana doing “Black Magic Woman” until Timberfake started to sing. That song belongs to Allison, who is trying to make a devil out of all of us. Jorge, I missed you! Oye como va, Seacrest! This is kind of great, but maybe I’m just still in shock from “Rock & Roll All Nite.” Is that Heather Locklear in the crowd? Smooooth!
9:31 pm: Steve Martin? WTF? Are they going to do “The Grandmother Song?” “King Tut”? Some of those Three Amigos ballads?
9:33 pm: I have the strange feeling this Steve Martin banjo bit is not a joke. I’m not sure, though. Comedy is not pretty! That was perhaps the strangest thing he’s been involved with since “The Man With Two Brains” — and why didn’t he get down with Queen Latifah to re-enact scenes from Bringing Down The House?
9:37 pm: Commercial break = watching Adam sing “Rock & Roll All Nite” again! You show us everything you got, baby baby that’s quite a lot, you drive us wild, we’ll drive you crazy.
9:40 pm: “Do You Think I’m Sexy”? Is Rod Stewart coming out?
9:41 pm: RAAAAAAWWWWWWD!
9:43 pm: Okaaaay, Rod isn’t in 100% top voice right now, but check out Janice Dickinson playing air mandolin!
9:44 pm: Oh Rod, you made a first class fool out of me, but I’m as blind as a fool can be. I wonder why they didn’t get Steve Martin to bust out the banjo on this one.
9:52 pm: Another commercial break: rewatching Cyndi and Allison. Oh, these girls just wanna have fun.
9:54 pm: “We Are The Champions!” This is fucking brilliant.
9:55 pm: Adam and Kris singing this song to each other is pretty fucking sweet. They sure made it happen with the classic rock guest stars tonight.
10:00 pm: Down to the wire. Final results!
10:03 pm: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. [Editor’s note: Kris Allen won]
10:04 pm: Shock.
10:05 pm: Trauma.
10:06 pm: The 5 stages of Kris
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
I’m somewhere between 1 and 2. No, still stuck at 1. But how relieved is Adam not having to sing “No Boundaries”?
10:10 pm: Kris is shocked. Adam is taking it better than Kris. I thought I was prepared for this, yet the scent of “preposterous bullshit” hovers in the air. Kris was incredibly gracious with his apparently sincere “Adam deserves it,” Allison was adorable snuggling with Adam, and me, I feel like the senator in The Godfather who says, “I’m gonna find out what the hell happened here today.” I AM GIVING A GOKEY “DREAM ON” SCREAM OF DISMAY.
What a shocker. I would have bet one of my kidneys that the winner was going to be my black-leather-clad demon-prince hero! Well, now is the time to congratulate the winner, not to bang our heads against the wall and wail “Mad World,” so let all of us Glambskanks just take a moment from our grief to wish Kris a long, prosperous, and happy career. Congratulations, guy. But in all honesty, my head and the wall are demanding a little together time right now. So thank you for the music, Glambert. We will meet again.
[Editors note: distraught Glamberts can console themselves by gazing at photos of Adam Lambert’s glorious Idol moments.]
Rob Sheffield
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